I woke up again at 3 in the morning from the weird thoughts about things that I actually had to forget right after I opened my eyes. However, if those things were so important, why did I have to forget? If it was not an important matter, why must I be awoken by that?
I texted Ben, and I let him know that I was awakened. He always looked at the time I sent him the message then he would say positive things to me as a form of support. Normally, he wakes up at 5 in the morning – far before me – and then tries to call me.
Unfortunately, that morning he woke up late. I woke up at 5 by the sound of alarm, and immediately rushed to grab veggies from the fridge to make something. I allowed my heart to be sad, but I wanted my body to stay healthy. The best veggies are the ones that are cooked from my own kitchen so I can maintain its freshness and cleanliness, and that’s what I did. I woke up at 5 in the morning to cook for myself and my boyfriend.
Over the phone, Ben told me after he finished his shower that he would immediately come to my place. I didn’t ask him to, but he promised to drop me at my office today. He knew that I wasn’t feeling well, so he made sure that I wasn’t alone. Besides, he took the afternoon shift on that day so he had plenty of time to do that. He said many times that dropping me off was not a burden at all.
Meanwhile, I think that driving me around is so troublesome. It’s because he needs to wake up earlier, take a shower faster, and his house is actually far outside the Jakarta province! (read: Sawangan, Depok). The distance to his house (ehm, actually he prefers to call it “our house” even though he buys it far before he meets me) to my place is around 27 km by motorcycle. The distance from his house (our house! :D) to my office is around 34 km. Meanwhile from my office to his office is around 13 km.
If it’s not love, I don’t know what to call it.
That morning, I did not only want to be healthy, but I also cooked to calm my mind. Cooking has always been a healing therapy for me. But after I tried to make money out of my cooking, it became a very tiring routine. I was also aware that cooking the same thing over and over again did not make it become more delicious. There were times when people said that my food was so delicious and they showered me with compliments. But there were also times that I miscounted the ingredients, or took the wrong step so it lacked a lot of things. If I remembered what I have gone through at that time, I only got traumatized. I am also confused why it is so easy for me to call things as trauma. Ben was the one who threw away the leftovers and other ingredients in my fridge that I did not dare to touch for two months. I told him that I got traumatized, he took it lightly. He said what’s important was that we got many lessons and we did not lose much.
He eventually came after I finished packing our lunches. Two boxes of red rice, Balinese chicken, and stir-fry kangkung. It seemed that he was glad to see me being productive. He was saying thank you while he took the boxes, then marked his box so it didn’t get mixed up. I did insert some other dishes that he didn’t like, Oseng Paru and Sambal Goreng Kentang Ati ayam. My landlady shared those dishes with her tenants last night. Ben did not want to eat the dishes inside my box since he knew that giblets or anything with high cholesterol was not good for his health. It includes chicken skin! Sometimes, he forbids me to eat certain things for health reasons. But sometimes, he just warned me that I must try to control my own diet.
When we parted ways in front of my office, I said thank you to him. He removed his helmet to show his smile, and told me how beautiful I was that morning. It was his third compliment this morning.
I walked inside, headed to the fingerprint machine. I felt relieved that I had much time to relax before my working hour started. At least, I have prepared myself after I used my sick leave at the beginning of this week to calm down from the unpredictable relapse.
Some time had passed, then Ben said he had arrived. I didn’t check how long he needed to come here. He complained about the traffic, but also felt grateful that he could arrive safely. This man has a good habit for always being grateful after accidentally throwing a complaint.
For example, one day I was complaining about the food quality that I bought from a stall. I simply said it didn’t taste good. But he reminded me that at least we knew how the food tasted like because God allowed us to buy that. We also were not sick when we ate thus we had so many reasons to be grateful. If I couldn’t finish the food, he offered to look for others so I could feel better. He is not the type of guy who will force you to finish your food, he will ask you to stop if you are already full instead. So, if I can not eat some food and am still hungry, he will suggest that I eat any snacks that I like so I will get full. Usually I will express my cynical thoughts whenever he tries to stay positive on things that I think are difficult to get defended. Sometimes, he agrees how the food is not good, yet he still tells me that we should stop complaining about it. Until someday, he expressed his wise opinion, “honey, maybe by the time the cook cooked this, he was already tired. You felt once how cooking was super tiring. His salary might be low, yet his needs were so many. Please forgive the cook. We’ll find other food to make you satisfied.”
Ben did the right thing to make me stop complaining. I would easily get in tears whenever I imagined that there was someone who was already so tired but got paid in minimum salary. Yes, I could not verify the information on how much was the cook’s salary in every restaurant that we visited. I actually did not know if he received a good salary or not. But, I could be silent just from imagining it. Ben was right, there were so many more things that we should have been grateful for.
I clearly remember that scene. It stucks deep inside my brain. I even remember how he complimented me that day. In his office, Ben said that the lunchbox that I made was so delicious. I smiled. I was happy to do a good thing for him after he dropped me off at my office that morning.
Today, my job wasn’t too complicated as well. I had some money in my bank account, I had good nutritious food. But it seemed that my brain still couldn’t properly produce the amount of endorfin that I needed, no matter how hard I tried.
I am grateful, but doesn’t this sadness go away? I am luckier than many people in this world, but why do I want to keep crying? I have plenty of time to take a rest, but why do I always get tired?
I feel that I have not much problem, but why do I feel that it’s better for me to not exist in this world? If I am the winning sperm cell inside my mother’s ovum, why does this winner have such a very weak mentality?
If often imagined, what if I disappeared from this office? It would be very easy to replace me with someone who was more able and younger than me. My coworkers would hang out with others just like they used to be before my arrival. I also already stepped back from many circles, so slowly my existence became irrelevant in many places.
Ben is a very kind, handsome, hard worker, funny, and talented guy. There will be a lot of women who want to get to know him. He also has a strong mentality. He would be fine.
I am really small. Insignificant and replaceable.
I think, if there is someone who gets sad, they will have a reason why they get sad in the first place.
Unfortunately, in my current situation I don’t have any.
Halo doctor, is it the time for us to meet again?
Halo Banu, are you ready to go through more therapy and long medication again?
Origina Blog post : Cerita tentang Si Sedih
Translated by Yusni Aziz
I texted Ben, and I let him know that I was awakened. He always looked at the time I sent him the message then he would say positive things to me as a form of support. Normally, he wakes up at 5 in the morning – far before me – and then tries to call me.
Unfortunately, that morning he woke up late. I woke up at 5 by the sound of alarm, and immediately rushed to grab veggies from the fridge to make something. I allowed my heart to be sad, but I wanted my body to stay healthy. The best veggies are the ones that are cooked from my own kitchen so I can maintain its freshness and cleanliness, and that’s what I did. I woke up at 5 in the morning to cook for myself and my boyfriend.
Over the phone, Ben told me after he finished his shower that he would immediately come to my place. I didn’t ask him to, but he promised to drop me at my office today. He knew that I wasn’t feeling well, so he made sure that I wasn’t alone. Besides, he took the afternoon shift on that day so he had plenty of time to do that. He said many times that dropping me off was not a burden at all.
Meanwhile, I think that driving me around is so troublesome. It’s because he needs to wake up earlier, take a shower faster, and his house is actually far outside the Jakarta province! (read: Sawangan, Depok). The distance to his house (ehm, actually he prefers to call it “our house” even though he buys it far before he meets me) to my place is around 27 km by motorcycle. The distance from his house (our house! :D) to my office is around 34 km. Meanwhile from my office to his office is around 13 km.
If it’s not love, I don’t know what to call it.
That morning, I did not only want to be healthy, but I also cooked to calm my mind. Cooking has always been a healing therapy for me. But after I tried to make money out of my cooking, it became a very tiring routine. I was also aware that cooking the same thing over and over again did not make it become more delicious. There were times when people said that my food was so delicious and they showered me with compliments. But there were also times that I miscounted the ingredients, or took the wrong step so it lacked a lot of things. If I remembered what I have gone through at that time, I only got traumatized. I am also confused why it is so easy for me to call things as trauma. Ben was the one who threw away the leftovers and other ingredients in my fridge that I did not dare to touch for two months. I told him that I got traumatized, he took it lightly. He said what’s important was that we got many lessons and we did not lose much.
He eventually came after I finished packing our lunches. Two boxes of red rice, Balinese chicken, and stir-fry kangkung. It seemed that he was glad to see me being productive. He was saying thank you while he took the boxes, then marked his box so it didn’t get mixed up. I did insert some other dishes that he didn’t like, Oseng Paru and Sambal Goreng Kentang Ati ayam. My landlady shared those dishes with her tenants last night. Ben did not want to eat the dishes inside my box since he knew that giblets or anything with high cholesterol was not good for his health. It includes chicken skin! Sometimes, he forbids me to eat certain things for health reasons. But sometimes, he just warned me that I must try to control my own diet.
When we parted ways in front of my office, I said thank you to him. He removed his helmet to show his smile, and told me how beautiful I was that morning. It was his third compliment this morning.
I walked inside, headed to the fingerprint machine. I felt relieved that I had much time to relax before my working hour started. At least, I have prepared myself after I used my sick leave at the beginning of this week to calm down from the unpredictable relapse.
Some time had passed, then Ben said he had arrived. I didn’t check how long he needed to come here. He complained about the traffic, but also felt grateful that he could arrive safely. This man has a good habit for always being grateful after accidentally throwing a complaint.
For example, one day I was complaining about the food quality that I bought from a stall. I simply said it didn’t taste good. But he reminded me that at least we knew how the food tasted like because God allowed us to buy that. We also were not sick when we ate thus we had so many reasons to be grateful. If I couldn’t finish the food, he offered to look for others so I could feel better. He is not the type of guy who will force you to finish your food, he will ask you to stop if you are already full instead. So, if I can not eat some food and am still hungry, he will suggest that I eat any snacks that I like so I will get full. Usually I will express my cynical thoughts whenever he tries to stay positive on things that I think are difficult to get defended. Sometimes, he agrees how the food is not good, yet he still tells me that we should stop complaining about it. Until someday, he expressed his wise opinion, “honey, maybe by the time the cook cooked this, he was already tired. You felt once how cooking was super tiring. His salary might be low, yet his needs were so many. Please forgive the cook. We’ll find other food to make you satisfied.”
Ben did the right thing to make me stop complaining. I would easily get in tears whenever I imagined that there was someone who was already so tired but got paid in minimum salary. Yes, I could not verify the information on how much was the cook’s salary in every restaurant that we visited. I actually did not know if he received a good salary or not. But, I could be silent just from imagining it. Ben was right, there were so many more things that we should have been grateful for.
I clearly remember that scene. It stucks deep inside my brain. I even remember how he complimented me that day. In his office, Ben said that the lunchbox that I made was so delicious. I smiled. I was happy to do a good thing for him after he dropped me off at my office that morning.
Today, my job wasn’t too complicated as well. I had some money in my bank account, I had good nutritious food. But it seemed that my brain still couldn’t properly produce the amount of endorfin that I needed, no matter how hard I tried.
I am grateful, but doesn’t this sadness go away? I am luckier than many people in this world, but why do I want to keep crying? I have plenty of time to take a rest, but why do I always get tired?
I feel that I have not much problem, but why do I feel that it’s better for me to not exist in this world? If I am the winning sperm cell inside my mother’s ovum, why does this winner have such a very weak mentality?
If often imagined, what if I disappeared from this office? It would be very easy to replace me with someone who was more able and younger than me. My coworkers would hang out with others just like they used to be before my arrival. I also already stepped back from many circles, so slowly my existence became irrelevant in many places.
Ben is a very kind, handsome, hard worker, funny, and talented guy. There will be a lot of women who want to get to know him. He also has a strong mentality. He would be fine.
I am really small. Insignificant and replaceable.
I think, if there is someone who gets sad, they will have a reason why they get sad in the first place.
Unfortunately, in my current situation I don’t have any.
Halo doctor, is it the time for us to meet again?
Halo Banu, are you ready to go through more therapy and long medication again?
January, 29th 2020
Origina Blog post : Cerita tentang Si Sedih
Translated by Yusni Aziz
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