Parents’ Religion = Children’s religion?

I often ask myself. Is a committed couple who wants to get married and have kids  ever talk about how they will educate their kids? Are prospective parents reading a lot of articles and books on how to raise their children? And to be more specific, are parents ever think specifically in how to tell their little ones how to practice their religion?

Do parents choose to direct their children in how to choose religion/belief that can make them a better human being? Or, are parents even hoping that their kids will follow their religion as an unavoidable gift? Just like names, bloodline, DNA and others that seem automatically given. Maybe, there are parents who give freedom to their children to choose their own religion because it is actually their personal connection to God.

I am writing this with a smile in my mouth. It’s because of a scene from an Indian movie, PK that stucks in my head. The main actor, PK, an innocent alien, checks all babies in the hospital. He is curious if there is any sign that shows the religious identity of every kid. Unfortunately, he finds nothing.

As a woman who was raised with Shia Islam from birth, I read a lot of books in my home. Within one of the parenting books that I read when I was 15, I found that the best way to educate children was through the knowledge from Al-Qur’an. I think that was the reason why my parents pushed me to learn how to recite Al-Qur’an from an NU Cleric. My mom said, “when they pray, NU people often have the most beautiful makhraj and tajweed.”

After finding out how far was the place that I should have went to learn from the NU cleric, my mom moved my study to my grandfather’s brother’s house who was a Muhammadiyah. Even though I was his granddaughter, he taught me harshly. He yelled at me every time I spelled something wrong. I was so afraid of him. I have never been the one who suited for this kind of tough teaching. I then asked my mom if it was possible that I moved to another Muhammadiyah Ustad near the mushalla, everyday after the maghrib prayer. She agreed. I eventually stopped coming at him for a year after I had grown up. Well, many kids who were my age did the same thing, we were replaced by the younger ones. I then made another promise to my mom. I would recite the Al-Qur’an loudly at home after the Maghrib prayer. She herself remembered many Al-Qur’an juz. Therefore, she would listen to me, and correct me whenever I spelled something wrong, while making cookies or doing other activities. To any of you who got brainwashed by the intolerance propaganda, of course Shia’s Al-Qur’an is the same with Sunni’s Al-Qur’an.

I am very sure that my father and mother never had any discussion in how they would raise their children. They were united through an arranged marriage that happened within a Wahabi recitation community. Before, they were not Shia. However, both had agreed that they would raised the kids under Islam. It was that simple. Both had similarities, which they were big fans of majelis taklim, and had always been critical with religion. That's why they decided to change their madhab.

However, not all of their children have similar habits.

My oldest sister learns things just like my mom. However, her way of thinking about it is different compared to my mom or even myself. My second oldest sister is not really into religious discussion. My third sister is into religious issues, but she only loves reading about i. I myself started my intellectual journey by reading Shia books at home, joined Al-Quran interpretation study group, fiqh study group, and also philosophy study group. From those journeys, I started to read a lot of philosophy books that were heavily criticized by Islamic philosophers. I started to enjoy perennialism more than al-hikmah al-muta’āliyah from Mulla Sadra. I got attracted to Marxism, learned about other religions, and all of those things had shaped me for who I am today.

My brother has another story. Once, he studied at a Wahabi Islamic Boarding School. My mom said, “Wahabi is very good at memorizing the Qur'an.” It was true though. My brother could memorize and speak Arabic very well. However, after he moved to Shia educational institution, it got clearer that he was more into the theological side of things instead of philosophical. We started to argue a lot, but eventually we understood if that was not something that we should debate much. He knew, how we practiced our religion was our personal responsibility between us and God. My sixth brother who is still in high school, is the cool kid and of course, with a more secular way of thinking. His way of thinking was so simple, and sometimes so adorable. Meanwhile my youngest brother? I don’t know what kind of person that he is going to be. Maybe he will be a Shia, since he is learning in their educational institution, but I don’t know what kind of Shia. Who knows anyway?

Out of all the seven siblings, it is clear that our parents apply a different way of educating each child. I clearly remember that my mom never asked my second and third sister to do Quran recitation just like how she liked to push me. My oldest sister was smart enough to educate herself in things that my mom liked to see. My mom has always been very hard on my younger brothers as well in terms of quran recitation. But the smart sixth brother was always successful to gain some material benefits in case mom asked him to do what she wanted. Once he called her and said, “mom, I don’t have enough money. Please send some to me. I promise I will recite. See, now you will hear me recite the Quran. Bismillahirrahman...nirrahimmm..."

Then he would read loudly over the phone the Juz Amma that he memorized clearly. My mom, who lived far from my brother at that time, would be happy to hear that, and then sent him some money. Transaction complete. Everyone was happy.

I realized that I’ve been talking about my mom this whole time. How about my dad?

So here is the story. Since I was a little girl, my dad had always been an independent person who taught himself and had a good learning ethic. Therefore, he hoped that his kids would have found their own way just like how he used to do it. It was quite rare for him to discuss religion with others. Meanwhile, my mom liked to insert religious ideas within any discussion. They had totally different ways of raising kids.  But maybe that is marriage, it is a group of people who are united by blood, but not necessarily have similar mindset.

My mom does not agree with how I practice and how I think. But she loves me. She said that she always prayed for me after her prayer, even more than the others. I love her too. However, I understand the logical consequences of every knowledge that I absorb and shape me as who I am, and I apologize if we are different. I am not good at pretending to gain more love, I don’t know how to hide this difference. Maybe I am not wise enough, but I don’t know. I am also curious where this is going to lead.

From my personal experiences with my parents, I finally understand that no matter how deep is the religious knowledge that parents have is not necessarily going to shape their kids to be like they are. It doesn’t matter to me if someday my kids are going to have a different mindset to mine. I have been trying to embrace it since early stage.

Once I heard my landlord stroked the head of her 3 years old child. Her husband and she discussed what non scholastic course that he must take. The mother wanted her son to learn Quran recitation, martial arts and robotics. The father wished that he would learn the arts of shadow puppets, local dialects, and traditional singing. They agreed to enroll their kid in those courses. Even though his dad loved to get drunk, he also loved to see his kid recite the Quran. This kid grew up with a list of activities that his parents wished they had when they were little. How many of us raise our kids in this manner?

From the phenomenon that I observed, I think a child will finally find their own way. No matter how strong a mother’s prayer is for hoping that their child will be a person who obeys everything they say, and will be useful to their religion.

Some parents love to educate their kid with religious lessons from Islamic boarding school. When the kid grows up, she eventually decides to be a person who is secular and liberal. She criticizes many texts that she learned at the boarding school, and she doesn’t hesitate in calling it out as dogmatic. She criticizes the majority’s way of practicing. She complains how boring some religious groups that she thinks are irrational, fanatics, do not embrace the universal human values, and many more.

There are parents who like to bring their kid to join the Sunday mass, and other church activities. Who knows that when he grows up he will be someone that is apathetic and cynical to the church. He begins to distrust the priest. He starts to get bored with the church promises. 

There are also parents who prefer to raise their kid without any inclination in religion. Later on, when he grows up, that kid joins a radical movement, and doesn’t hesitate to call out his parents as a bad example.

There is a child who always prays and recites the Quran diligently with his parents. When he moves outside the city, he starts to get lazy in doing those rituals. Yet, in order to make his parents’ happy, he will be the person like he used to whenever he is home. His parents are proud and thankful for having him. This kid is safe under his mask.

My friend taught her children the values of many religions. As a result, by their own personal choice, her kids practice three different religions. She is so proud knowing her kids are able to choose their own spiritual. She said, “someday they will fight for their siblings’ religion if any discrimination happened. Humanity must extend beyond religion.”

There are also parents with kids who practice the religion that they get since birth. Without any question, nor comparison. What they know is that their parents say that this religion is the most correct. It is enough to be a guidance from their birth until death. If it is already enough, why would they be looking for something else?

There are also parents who are successful in educating their children – according to societal standards. The kids look very calm, without many fights or rebellions. They grow just like how their parents wish. Probably, it is because of the parents’ prayers. Or other things. I don't know. I can't even imagine that there is a child who thinks exactly like his parents. I know someone who is like that. He just replied, “a fruit will not fall far from the tree. Who do you think I should be similar to?” Well, I don't know either.

There are plenty of stories about parents who are disappointed for thinking that they can not raise their children properly. There is worry that they will not meet them in heaven. How disappointed these parents are for not having children who are not obedient. On the other side, there are stories about parents who are proud of their kids’ achievements. Some hope that they could be someone they wished for when they were young. 

Some hope, even though they are not religious, by picking someone who is more devoted compared to him, or putting his kids into a religious school, it would create a religious kid that someday could redeem his parents’ sins with prayers.

When a child is born, parents love to stamp him with a certain religion. It seems that religion is something that is taken for granted and must be held until the child passes away.

Once, I discussed this situation with my best friend. She said to me, while giggling, “well, if I had to get married someday, I would not want to have a child. Giving birth looks very painful. This world is overpopulated already. What a poor kid who is born in this collapsing earth. I prefer adopting an orphan, or even taking care of dogs and cats. Hehehehe…”

See? Not everyone thinks that having kids is a good idea. As someone who is used to hear debates between pro-choice and pro-life people, I am not surprised to know a person who does not want a kid or even supporting abortion. Even Richard Stallman –GNU founder- also prefers to not have kids and suggests many people do the same for humanity. You can read his opinion in Why is it Important not to have Children.

I am very curious, and I want to ask more things. Have you ever thought to stop your marriage with your potential partner after knowing that you have disagreement in the way you would raise your kids? Well, who knows there is someone out there who has this experience.

So, how will you educate your children? Have you ever thought about it?

November, 10th 2020

Original Blog Post: Agama Orangtua = Agama Anak?

Translated by Yusni Aziz