Hi, how are you?
For some people, my decision to take off my hijab was quite controversial. I think it was related to my own experiences as an activist who had fought for the acceptance of hijab in public places and legal letters (for example: diploma). Also my religious background is kinda …. Well, you know. Shia.
Thanks to you if you are one of those people who think that this is all my own personal decision that must be respected. Among those disappointed messages that I received from family and friends. As a person who is not talented in ignoring people’s opinions, those negative comments really affected my mental wellbeing. So, if you want to advise me on certain things, just make sure I ask you to do so. If not, then you will only be a noise inside my head.
After taking off my hijab for a while, I realized that I had never been respectful to my own body. I was not aware how my thigh and stomach had grown in an unexpected direction. I realized that the excessive fat around my body was not healthy, no matter how many campaigns on body positivity that I saw. My desire to be healthy made me a bit ashamed of myself. In the past, those body parts were always covered with some loose fabrics, so it didn’t attract my attention. I did not know I started to have cellulite within those areas.
I rarely used body lotion because I thought my skin was always moist (when it was my own sweat!) under the fabric. Post-hijab. Whenever I wanted to wear a more tight or a bit open dress, I became aware that my body size, or skin appearance was far from the beauty that I saw in the media. It is not about chasing their beauty standard, because it will be a never ending journey. But their simple healthy standard. I felt sad that my skin felt a bit rough. It might need months and bottles of body lotion to make it smooth and moist again.
I got disappointed with my own ignorance. I was so used to doing nothing much after a shower. I did not dry my hair, comb it, and I did not put any lotion on my skin. I simply wore my clothes, and hijab then took off. Since I thought, no one ever gonna see those parts of my body. When actually taking care of it was actually our token of gratitude to God for giving us a healthy body. So if you read this post and do the same thing, please, those excessive fat could be a hotbed for disease, and not wearing lotion could create a problem for our skin.
Without my hijab, I could do an outdoor sport by wearing more comfortable clothes (and more space inside my bag). Goodbye to my hot and heavy clothes. When I travel, my small backpack could carry clothing stock for a few days, as before I had to bring 5 pieces of clothing to wear for once. Undershirt + bra, outer shirt, hijab, pants and panties. I mean, I thought that this whole time I was not good at packing, but it turned out that I had to bring so many to go out of town. Now, my backpack becomes lighter since I do not have to bring long and layered outfits to go around.
As a religious person, I understand that practicing our belief requires us to be ready with the consequences of the truth that we choose. So for example, when I still had faith that hijab was compulsory, I did not feel burdened at all when I swam with 5 pieces of clothing in accordance with the sharia standard that I trusted. When I already understand the diversity of interpretation on what are intimate parts and hijab from many ulama, I became more flexible in wearing a swimsuit that I thought was more practical and comfortable. Of course, when I was wearing my hijab, I wore 5 layers of clothings without any complaints. But when I imagined what I had to go through, it felt so…. Complicated. No wonder I always had a big pile of clothes to wash. Our faith indeed makes us normalize things that others might see as complicated. For many, eating while wearing a niqab is a very complicated thing to do, meanwhile for niqab wearer that is very normal. It is just a matter of habit and belief that we choose.
Just like what Qurays Shihab says, if Allah asked us what are the numbers you have to add to make 10? The answers will be varied, but all will sum up to 10. That speaks a lot about our world that is filled with many interpretations of beliefs and faiths.
My post-hijab life makes me realize that I am a minority. How difficult it is to be a woman in this era. Everybody will tell you that a girl is prettier with hijab or the other way around. It seems we exist only to fulfill the piety standard of others, and they will tell you as “prettier.” A celebrity who decides to change her outlook by wearing hijab will receive a lot of compliments, meanwhile those who remover her hijab will get massive hatred that it seems she will make herself and her family go to hell anytime soon. Religious people are not aware how toxic their comments are. Maybe it is the effect of being too fanatic, so whoever that doesn’t follow their standards automatically accused of heresy.
Just read the comments on Nia Ramadhani’s account. So many people whose avatar wearing hijab always mocks the way she dresses. If wearing a hijab makes you a better person, why do those people like to write bad comments for the sake of reminding? Are they have the capacity to be teachers for someone else? See the comments on Salmafina’s, you will see how evil people can be on behalf of “sending reminders.” I am not sure if I were in her position, I would be as strong as she was.
I often heard those toxic comments from women who wore wider hijab compared to mine. She would tell me that my way of dressing was not Islamic enough. I can not imagine how this wave of Indonesian Islamic populism is not providing justice to those who are oppressed, but instead giving birth to moral policies who push people around them to dress just like them. For me, correcting other people's way of dressing is truly a low act and it will not gain you any respect.
This moral police attitude only even makes us move away from their toxic behaviour. As a consequence, we will not become like what they expected us to be. Evenmore, why would you expect someone to be like what you want them to be? When parents’ expectations of children can become a starting point of depression to the kids, let alone a stranger who expects a unified society.
So, if you think you are disappointed in how others are practicing their religion, check yourself. Do you deliver those expectations in the right place? I feel, those critics that want me to use wider hijab fabric, with darker color are the one who push to not even follow their standard. I ask God, do you really want your human to only dress like that? If so, how narrow is the heaven that He creates that only those who dress like that are the one who deserve to stand next to Him.
Obviously, you don’t have to agree with me. My point is celebrate your own uniqueness without expecting others to do the same. Each person has their own spiritual journey that he/she experiences.
Let’s respect that.
Original blogpost: Aku pada Post Hijab
For some people, my decision to take off my hijab was quite controversial. I think it was related to my own experiences as an activist who had fought for the acceptance of hijab in public places and legal letters (for example: diploma). Also my religious background is kinda …. Well, you know. Shia.
Thanks to you if you are one of those people who think that this is all my own personal decision that must be respected. Among those disappointed messages that I received from family and friends. As a person who is not talented in ignoring people’s opinions, those negative comments really affected my mental wellbeing. So, if you want to advise me on certain things, just make sure I ask you to do so. If not, then you will only be a noise inside my head.
After taking off my hijab for a while, I realized that I had never been respectful to my own body. I was not aware how my thigh and stomach had grown in an unexpected direction. I realized that the excessive fat around my body was not healthy, no matter how many campaigns on body positivity that I saw. My desire to be healthy made me a bit ashamed of myself. In the past, those body parts were always covered with some loose fabrics, so it didn’t attract my attention. I did not know I started to have cellulite within those areas.
I rarely used body lotion because I thought my skin was always moist (when it was my own sweat!) under the fabric. Post-hijab. Whenever I wanted to wear a more tight or a bit open dress, I became aware that my body size, or skin appearance was far from the beauty that I saw in the media. It is not about chasing their beauty standard, because it will be a never ending journey. But their simple healthy standard. I felt sad that my skin felt a bit rough. It might need months and bottles of body lotion to make it smooth and moist again.
I got disappointed with my own ignorance. I was so used to doing nothing much after a shower. I did not dry my hair, comb it, and I did not put any lotion on my skin. I simply wore my clothes, and hijab then took off. Since I thought, no one ever gonna see those parts of my body. When actually taking care of it was actually our token of gratitude to God for giving us a healthy body. So if you read this post and do the same thing, please, those excessive fat could be a hotbed for disease, and not wearing lotion could create a problem for our skin.
Without my hijab, I could do an outdoor sport by wearing more comfortable clothes (and more space inside my bag). Goodbye to my hot and heavy clothes. When I travel, my small backpack could carry clothing stock for a few days, as before I had to bring 5 pieces of clothing to wear for once. Undershirt + bra, outer shirt, hijab, pants and panties. I mean, I thought that this whole time I was not good at packing, but it turned out that I had to bring so many to go out of town. Now, my backpack becomes lighter since I do not have to bring long and layered outfits to go around.
As a religious person, I understand that practicing our belief requires us to be ready with the consequences of the truth that we choose. So for example, when I still had faith that hijab was compulsory, I did not feel burdened at all when I swam with 5 pieces of clothing in accordance with the sharia standard that I trusted. When I already understand the diversity of interpretation on what are intimate parts and hijab from many ulama, I became more flexible in wearing a swimsuit that I thought was more practical and comfortable. Of course, when I was wearing my hijab, I wore 5 layers of clothings without any complaints. But when I imagined what I had to go through, it felt so…. Complicated. No wonder I always had a big pile of clothes to wash. Our faith indeed makes us normalize things that others might see as complicated. For many, eating while wearing a niqab is a very complicated thing to do, meanwhile for niqab wearer that is very normal. It is just a matter of habit and belief that we choose.
Just like what Qurays Shihab says, if Allah asked us what are the numbers you have to add to make 10? The answers will be varied, but all will sum up to 10. That speaks a lot about our world that is filled with many interpretations of beliefs and faiths.
My post-hijab life makes me realize that I am a minority. How difficult it is to be a woman in this era. Everybody will tell you that a girl is prettier with hijab or the other way around. It seems we exist only to fulfill the piety standard of others, and they will tell you as “prettier.” A celebrity who decides to change her outlook by wearing hijab will receive a lot of compliments, meanwhile those who remover her hijab will get massive hatred that it seems she will make herself and her family go to hell anytime soon. Religious people are not aware how toxic their comments are. Maybe it is the effect of being too fanatic, so whoever that doesn’t follow their standards automatically accused of heresy.
Just read the comments on Nia Ramadhani’s account. So many people whose avatar wearing hijab always mocks the way she dresses. If wearing a hijab makes you a better person, why do those people like to write bad comments for the sake of reminding? Are they have the capacity to be teachers for someone else? See the comments on Salmafina’s, you will see how evil people can be on behalf of “sending reminders.” I am not sure if I were in her position, I would be as strong as she was.
I often heard those toxic comments from women who wore wider hijab compared to mine. She would tell me that my way of dressing was not Islamic enough. I can not imagine how this wave of Indonesian Islamic populism is not providing justice to those who are oppressed, but instead giving birth to moral policies who push people around them to dress just like them. For me, correcting other people's way of dressing is truly a low act and it will not gain you any respect.
This moral police attitude only even makes us move away from their toxic behaviour. As a consequence, we will not become like what they expected us to be. Evenmore, why would you expect someone to be like what you want them to be? When parents’ expectations of children can become a starting point of depression to the kids, let alone a stranger who expects a unified society.
So, if you think you are disappointed in how others are practicing their religion, check yourself. Do you deliver those expectations in the right place? I feel, those critics that want me to use wider hijab fabric, with darker color are the one who push to not even follow their standard. I ask God, do you really want your human to only dress like that? If so, how narrow is the heaven that He creates that only those who dress like that are the one who deserve to stand next to Him.
Obviously, you don’t have to agree with me. My point is celebrate your own uniqueness without expecting others to do the same. Each person has their own spiritual journey that he/she experiences.
Let’s respect that.
July, 25th 2019
Original blogpost: Aku pada Post Hijab
Translated by Yusni Aziz
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