This is Not The End

I thought my life would have been over last year. At that time, my hopes turned into ashes, and it was difficult to put my head up high. I did not have any dreams. The structure of any plans that I made collapsed, fell onto my body and I had difficulty getting up from my bed. The hands that tried to pull me up from the rubbles felt not enough to bring me back to life.

But right now, things are already better. So much better.

There were times, one or two days, I felt so overloaded after remembering how beautiful the architecture of my plans was. Even reminded myself of its rubbles could pull the tears out of my tired eyes. Things are indeed alright now, even though it is not always good. I still have to fight hard the misleading whispers inside my head. Sometimes, I successfully avoided those voices through doing some activities, yet also quite often, those voices brought me down.

But this time, I won't give up.

I know, fighting it is very difficult. I can get so exhausted even though it seems I don’t do anything from the outside. But it is the consequence of my life. Our breathing does not come for free. It comes with daily efforts that we have to do to support this body. Our body needs food, sport, clothing, love, place to live and money. So, no matter how difficult are the things that I have to go through, they are only the consequences of my personal choices. And not all consequences are sweet. I hope someday the bitter ones will become medicine that can help me rebuild my hopes and plans. Slowly… until someday I will stand on my own feet, and smile at the collapsed building that has become the historic monument of my life. I will tell it that she already forgives, so let’s find a way back home to our own happiness.

My current steps are not as light as my writing. Better does not mean truly well. My way of life offers me difficult choices that when others see it they will look down on it. For example, when others start to appreciate when I rise from the ashes, at the same time I have to be ready to receive a rock throw from them if they know the situation. Sometimes I am also confused with my own life. Can I simply take a normal route, that is free from controversy, and get approval from all creatures on this earth?I am so tired with labels. Yet, I am cursed to live with them forever. It feels like I have to move from one tightly sealed jar to another that has a mark of a certain word. So, anyone who looks at me will directly see, what kind of label that I look from there?

By the way, let me tell you an irony. So whenever I struggle hard to build my own safe space brick by brick, I accidentally destroy another wall of hope. I must be a great sinner that anything I do always turns out bad. Yes, we can not make everyone happy. But, isn’t it also seems very ungrateful if we don’t repay the people who once pull me up? I am sure, even though their hearts are filled with love for me, I will always have something that I accidentally do to hurt them. I am a thorny plant who has difficulty compromising with many situations, so I will never look beautiful and look okay because of the consequences that I choose.

So, this is my current situation.

How about you? Are you okay now?

May, 6th 2019

Original Blogpost Belum Berakhir
Translated by Yusni Aziz